Sunday, April 3, 2016

Descending into hell

March 2015, I attempted suicide, by overdosing on pills. As I lay in my bed, dark thoughts were entering my mind. Thoughts such as : You are worthless, You are nothing but a burden, No one would miss you, No one loves you, The world would be better off without you. I started crying, and praying. Asking God to forgive me for what I was about to do, and asking Him to watch over my loved ones, and to help them understand why I did it. I thanked the Lord for all the things He had always done for me, and told Him I was very sorry, for being a disappointing daughter. Then, I swallowed all of the pills, asked the Lord to please take this burden from me, and closed my eyes. The next thing I remember, I woke up, very sick. I reached for a bucket beside my bed, and started throwing up, repeatedly. I threw up so many times, I felt like there could not possibly be anything left inside of me. I could feel myself fading away, I knew I was dying. This was real!!I managed to get myself into the living room, and found my phone. I dialed 911, told the guy that answered, what I had done, he stayed on the phone with me, until the ambulance got here .I barely remember the ambulance getting here. Next thing I remember, is opening my eyes, looking around, realizing that I was in a hospital room. I had a night shirt, and a pair of pants on. I had no socks, or shoes, with me. I had thrown up all over my shirt, and was holding on tightly, to a bucket. They would not allow me to leave the room to use the bathroom, they were afraid I would either try to escape, or hurt myself. A preacher came and talked to me, asking several questions. After praying for me, he told me that I would not be going home, that I had to go to a rehab. Of course, I was very upset, started crying. I wanted to go home, but my husband made me realize, that rehab was truly the best place for me at that time. My husband finally had to leave, because he had to be at work, early the next morning. A couple of hours later, I finally quit throwing up, my stomach settled down. It was about 5:30 in the morning, when I fell asleep. About thirty minutes later, someone woke me up, by shaking my arm. I opened my eyes, and to my great shock, and surprise, there stood beside my bed, saying over, and over again, wake up Mrs. Oldham, a deputy from the sheriffs department. I said, can I help you? He said, I am here to take you to Valley Hospital, which was the rehab I would be going to. He told me that I needed to get my socks, and shoes on, that it was time for me to go. I told him that I did not have any socks, or shoes with me. The nurse brought me a pair of socks, and put them on me. They helped me off the bed, and the deputy began to walk me down the hallway, and out the front door. I looked aweful. No shoes, only socks, throw up all over my Winnie the pooh night shirt, and dirty green pants. It was early morning, in March, so it was cold. I did not have a jacket, or sweater. There was a sheriff's van, sitting in front of the hospital. There was another deputy, sitting in the passenger side of the van. As I approached the van, he opened the door, and came up beside me. He told me to put my hands behind my back, I did. He handcuffed me, then both deputies had to help me get in the van. At this point, I was feeling, hopeless, alone, and humiliated beyond belief. He started the van, and we pulled out of the hospital parking lot, and onto the road. The road leading to another chapter, in this long nightmare!! To be continued................................... 

17 comments:

  1. I went to the hospital with someone who took too many muscle relaxers. They were in a lot of pain. They were diagnosed that night with a pulmonary embolism. However, the hospital did not seem too sympathetic. They had a law enforcement officer come into her room and check her meds to make sure it was prescribed and to verify that I had driven her there. So I know there was an awkward part for you. I can't imagine being handcuffed. That was too much.
    I wish I had magic words to say the perfect thing. Take care. Ann

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  2. That's an awful way to be treated.

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  3. You're always in my thoughts sweet one. And in three days, if I'm not around in blogland....happy anniversary to you and Eddie.

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  4. That is a awful way to be treated...like a criminal...you're not a criminal...ugh...keeping you in prayer.

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  5. Oh my sweet friend! How awful that must have been for you! I am so upset that they treated you like that - especially handcuffing you. The hospital could at least have given you a hospital gown to wear that was clean. The nurse in me wants to knock some heads together!

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  6. Handcuffs...was that to keep you from harming yourself?

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  7. That must have been so awful to go through. Seems like they could have treated you with some compassion. Glad that God was watching over you and that you are here to tell your story.

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  8. It seems like a horrible way to be treated. A little sympathy would have gone a long way, I think. I'm sure the handcuffs were a precaution but it does seem like they could have been more understanding. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm glad it's a year later and you are able to share your experience. Thank you for trusting us!!

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  9. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that they handcuffed you, like some criminal. Which you are NOT. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I can understand that they might have been trying to keep you from harming yourself, but you clearly called 9-1-1 yourself and they should have seen that as a sign that you wouldn't.

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  10. What a touching post, my new friend !

    I'm visiting for thanking you, I truly appreciate the sweet note you left on my blog, blessed be !

    May your new week be filled with joy and love
    sending gentle hugs to you

    Dany

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  11. Thank you for sharing your story. It is so much like the story of my dear friend Karen. I guess the law considered trying to kill yourself tring to commit murder. I know because you are sharing your story is that you survived.... So did Karen and the Lord has used her mightly. I know your story will not only help and inspire your readers, but maybe changed their lives.

    God bless you dear one. Prayers and love.
    Wanda

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  12. Nothing like handcuffs to make you feel all better! Honestly, it fills me with despair to think of how little is understood about mental health in this country, we should be ashamed.

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  13. I'm so sorry you went through all that. What a terrible, painful time that must have been.

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  14. That's a terrible story. But the way they do things. So wrong.

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  15. Oh Very sad to hear what has happened to you. Suicide is the wrong thing people take in one minute. Need to think of the good things happened to over come that. Why did they handcuff you after all the treatment is over...

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  16. {{{Hugs}}} I am glad that you made it through this dark time, Denise. I, too, attempted suicide (2010). I didn't get the pills all down before David stopped me. I didn't have to endure the hospital or the bad treatment that you received. I am sorry that they handcuffed you. We pray for you every day, for your complete healing and restoration.

    You are a blessing. No matter how many times you hear the bad thoughts telling you otherwise, saying that you are worthless, do not believe them. You are worth much. Heavenly Father found us worthy enough to have His Son die for our sins. He loves us and He says we're worth it. It doesn't matter what another human says. They cannot judge our worth. Heavenly Father already passed that judgement. He says we're worthy.

    Much love to you, my friend. May you have a blessed day!

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  17. I just cannot imagine why someone would treat someone like that. There is just no excuse. You should have been cleaned up and had shoes, socks and a jacket. You were not ready to leave until you could eat and keep things down, at least. I am so sorry you went through all of this. I am sorrier that you felt you were a burden and not worth being here. I know you know that God loves and cares for you and that you are here for a reason. Prayers of healing and peace for you.

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